On Apr 16, 2:18 pm, "
wrote:
On Apr 15, 10:17 am, The Historian
wrote:



On Apr 15, 8:28 am, "Chess One" wrote:

Now, if you people don't care about children....

The standard rant of the Brattleboro Bedlam, that he is the only
person to "care" about something or another. Witness the USCF press
release below:

INNES HIRED TO "CARE ABOUT CHESS"

CROSSVILLE, TN - The United States Chess Federation announced today
that it had hired internationally known Nearly an IM Philip Keith
Innes
to "care about chess in the US", according to USCF Executive Director
Bill Hall. "Nearly an IM Innes has shown a great deal of caring
about US chess, despite his complete absence from organized chess play
or governance, and we at the USCF feel having him care about US chess
is worth the expense of paying him", Hall said. "He KNOWS at
least two native born GMs - in fact the only two the US has, and so he
brings a tremendous background experience to his caring", added USCF
Executive Board Member Don Schultz.

Innes, who posseses the prestigious Nearly an IM title, lives in
Brattleboro, Vermont, where he divides his time between caring about
US
chess and refusing to become a member of his local chess club, state
chess body, Chess Journalists of America, and USCF. The terms of the
deal between Innes and USCF are
not officially known, but off the record sources reveal that Innes
will
be required to stop posting to newsgroups. "We were concerned that
Nearly an IM Innes' newsgroup posts might blunt the full impact of his
caring about US chess," said USCF Executive Board Member Joel
Channing,
"since they could be read by the unimformed as semiliterate, whining
screeds."

This is really well done. I find it amusing that Innes' textual
analysis has seemed to imply that Neil Brennen is the most likely FSS,
and this is satire. However, Neil is the one person for whom we have
seen actual satire of Sam Sloan on a regular basis; it sure doesn't
look like the FSS postings to me! Among other things, like this post,
Neil's satires were attempts (good ones in my opinion) to be clever,
not to be simply repulsive.

Jerry Spinrad

More Sloan parody:

Research on Pocahontas and the Pillsbury Doughboy Provide Answers to
Chess Politics Questions
In endless pursuit of my family "Bush", I have recently discovered
some more totally non-chess political facts about my family. It seems
that the recent discovery of Powhatan's village has produced
substantial evidence at least to me, that I am directly related to
Pochohantas. It seems that my great-great-great-great grandfather
Harry D. Pillsbury, played Pohowtan in a chess match in the fields
east of the Virginia piedmont in 1645. Since chess pieces had not yet
been brought over by the colonists, Pohowtan and Pillsbury had to
create their pieces out of natural materials. Pillsbury was a baker by
trade and decided to make his pieces out of fresh bread dough.

When Pillsbury attempted to play the Old Indian defense against
Powhatan's d4 however, Powhatan took offense and only the direct
intercession by Pocahontas, Powhatan's daughter saved the life of not
only Pillsbury, but also the lives of the Jamestown colonists.
Pohowton won the shortened match +4 -2 =1.

Here is where the plot thickens. Pillsbury was so attached to his
little bread dough chessmen that after marrying Pocahontas' younger
sister they named their first born Doughboy N. Pillsbury. In papers
found while doing research in the Virginia State Correctional facility
on geneology, I found that Doughboy N. Pillsbury later had his name
legally changed in Virginia to Pillsbury N. Doughboy. Pillsbury's
grandson went on to found the famous Pillsbury Corporation which to
this day makes cookie dough, bread dough and cake mixes.

Interesting research further reveals that my ex girl friend Fulla
Passion was related to Pillsbury as well as to President Bush. It
seems that Moses had once heard a burning bush speak, and therefore
Moses' second cousin 15 times removed named their child Aaron Bush who
then migrated in 1100 BC by raft to North America where he established
villages in Illinois and Iowa and mingled with the native people of
those regions. Bush had to choose between two lovely Native American
maidens, Bird in the Hand, or Two in the Bush Since we all know that a
Bird in the hand is worth more than Two in the Bush and also because
Bush didn't want to marry someone else named Bush, he married Bird in
the Hand. Bird in the Hand was the great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great grandmother of my ex girl friend Fulla Passion and
incidentally Bird in the Hand and her husband Aaron Bush were also
direct ancestors of Doughboy N. Pillsbury.

For those of you who don't know, Fulla is my extremely beautiful but
violently tempered ex-girlfriend who once threatened to eviscerate me
with her painted fingernails, if I came within 50 feet of her. Fulla
is presently seeking the comfort and solace of the Count of Silesia
and his entire court, but I digress. Now that I find out we are
practically blood brother and blood sister however I am hoping she
will not kill me if I try to talk with her.

For those who are unsure where this is leading which would include
myself, it appears that Harry N. Pillsbury the great grandson of
Doughboy N. Pillsbury and the famous American chessplayer did not
really die of what everyone assumes he died of. He actually died from
a yeast infection caught from his wife who was the sister of Passion
Flour whom Neil Brennen has done extensive historical research on.
Actually this is somehow related to the curse of Tecumseh which
managed to pass over George W. Bush and his father and instead killed
Harry N. Pillsbury. There is some evidence as yet unclear that both
Tecumseh and Pohowtan had put a curse on the Pillsbury family which
decreed that all people descended from the original Pillsbury family
would die of a yeast infection, and that there wives would die of the
same thing a year later, particularly if they were related in some way
to an American president.

Stay tuned for more details as this fascinating and totally relevant
chess political topic unravels, or should I say as more details "rise"
to the surface.

Best Regards,

Bruce Draney