DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE


Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and
they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
--Dave Barry

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased