On Apr 16, 2:18 pm, "
wrote:
On Apr 15, 10:17 am, The Historian
wrote:



On Apr 15, 8:28 am, "Chess One" wrote:

Now, if you people don't care about children....

The standard rant of the Brattleboro Bedlam, that he is the only
person to "care" about something or another. Witness the USCF press
release below:

INNES HIRED TO "CARE ABOUT CHESS"

CROSSVILLE, TN - The United States Chess Federation announced today
that it had hired internationally known Nearly an IM Philip Keith
Innes
to "care about chess in the US", according to USCF Executive Director
Bill Hall. "Nearly an IM Innes has shown a great deal of caring
about US chess, despite his complete absence from organized chess play
or governance, and we at the USCF feel having him care about US chess
is worth the expense of paying him", Hall said. "He KNOWS at
least two native born GMs - in fact the only two the US has, and so he
brings a tremendous background experience to his caring", added USCF
Executive Board Member Don Schultz.

Innes, who posseses the prestigious Nearly an IM title, lives in
Brattleboro, Vermont, where he divides his time between caring about
US
chess and refusing to become a member of his local chess club, state
chess body, Chess Journalists of America, and USCF. The terms of the
deal between Innes and USCF are
not officially known, but off the record sources reveal that Innes
will
be required to stop posting to newsgroups. "We were concerned that
Nearly an IM Innes' newsgroup posts might blunt the full impact of his
caring about US chess," said USCF Executive Board Member Joel
Channing,
"since they could be read by the unimformed as semiliterate, whining
screeds."

This is really well done. I find it amusing that Innes' textual
analysis has seemed to imply that Neil Brennen is the most likely FSS,
and this is satire. However, Neil is the one person for whom we have
seen actual satire of Sam Sloan on a regular basis; it sure doesn't
look like the FSS postings to me! Among other things, like this post,
Neil's satires were attempts (good ones in my opinion) to be clever,
not to be simply repulsive.

Jerry Spinrad

From Sloan's webpages:

Takeoffs on Sam Sloan
"We Are Not Amused" Department

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and so I am not really
insulted when somebody imitates my style or publishes or posts a
parody of me.

Some of them are rather good, such as those by "SlamStoan" which
appear from time to time in the newsgroup rec.games.chess.politics.

Here are parodies of me:

On 5 May 2000 19:05:40 -0500, in rec.games.chess.politics Bruce Draney
wrote:

An imaginary post from Sam:

I was on my way back from kidnapping my daughter after attending a Go
tournament in Abu Dhabi, when suddenly a Hari Krishna approached me in
the airport and asked me to sign a petition firing the ED of USCF and
also asking to vote to repeal the Virginia Death Penalty.

I punched him in the nose and 15 revolutionaries from Pakistan
rekidnapped my daughter and forced their way onto a Continental
Airlines 747 that was being piloted and staffed by Virginia religious
fanatics. The FBI arrested me for attempting to interfere and for
crashing through a gate to retrieve my daughter and then three corrupt
judges sentenced me to death in the Virginia electric chair, but I was
saved by the recent repeal of their electric chair law and now I am
awaiting trial for securities fraud along with 4 Icelandic girls who
were arrested with me and share my cell.

This wealthy lady from California that I used to pal around with until
she hid from me in an apartment I had rented for her, testified
against me at my trial and so did the daughter of a Colombian drug
lord's daughter that I once didn't put the moves on, even though we
were alone in her garage. But those two were never members of the
Executive Board even though I wasn't either, so I digress here. The
University of California Berkley personally showed up to testify
against me at my trial, but I personally refuted them, and they
skulked away with their tails between their legs.

Even though we were all convicted we now all play chess together in
our cells, but all of us know that USCF has $188,000 in the bank, even
though it's borrowed from the LMA which never REALLY loans or gives
any money to the USCF but somehow did in this case although it's only
4% instead of 6% that they really owe. As soon as I get out of my cell
and I get the Icelandic girls back to their husbands, I'm going to
make sure that people like Tom Dorsch and George John, don't fire any
more ED's.

Even though we owe $400,000 in bills, we have $188,000 in the bank, so
we must be doing well, otherwise why would all of that money be in our
account. By the way if I'm ever elected to the USCF Executive Board, I
can promise you that I will post as many non-chess related posts to
RGCP as possible so that there will be so many non-chess posts that
readers will get bored and will stop reading posts from people like
Bruce Draney, Tom Dorsch, Jim Eade, Phil Innes and anyone else who
doesn't spam like I do.

Best Regards, with tongue in cheek,

Bruce

On 8 Sep 2000 17:13:08 -0500, in rec.games.chess.politics Bruce Draney
wrote:

Subject: Evangelists, kidnappers, judges, Columbian drug lords and
Iranian terrorist cause Rating Deflation.

I have recently heard this rumor. I am not sure if it is true but I
have heard it.

First Tom Dorsch and George John caused rating deflation by firing
every ED we've had in the last five years, but I have discovered that
the real reason Tom Dorsch and George John make trouble is that
Iranian Christian evangelists have conspired with a Turkish judge
named Kamel Falwellturk to kidnap their goddaughter and sent her to
work in the cocaine fields of Columbia. Her mother Fuhla Passion told
me this.

A few years ago Tom and George were riding with the little girl in a
taxi to the airport. When they got there American Airlines would not
let them on board. This was a conspiracy too, but I'm not sure how it
relates. Then as they were driving to LaGuardia to see if they could
fly United instead of American, a van carrying terrorist nuns threw a
tape recorder through the window of the taxi. When Tom played the tape
it said, "Don't worry, just keep driving." George and Tom were afraid
of the nuns so they kept on driving until finally they ran out of gas.
When they pulled off on the shoulder a carload full of Iranian
Televangelists from Virginia took the little girl at gunpoint and
drove off. When Tom and George got back to town, they filed a
complaint with the police. They gave them the license plate of the
car. But then Judge Kamel Falwellturk issued a restraining order
saying that Dorsch and John could not search for the missing girl
because ratings in USCF were too high.

At this point the plot thickens. Dorsch and John worked it out that
the only way they could ever rescue the little girl from the cocaine
fields of Columbia was by bringing down the average rating of all USCF
adults by an average of 100 points.

I have absolute proof that no one can disprove any of this story. I
would like them to prove it if they can disprove it. Remember that
Dorsch is from Northern California a hotbed of Iranian terrorist
activity and there is a rumor that he wouldn't allow Iranian
terrorists to play in his events because they are too high rated.
George John is from Texas and everyone knows that there are lots of
Evangelists in Texas, so that's further proof of the conspiracy.

So please, everyone, let's all pull together. Let's sue the renegade
Iranian televangelists, impeach Judge Falwellturk and return Fuhla
Passion's daughter from the Colombian druglords who are holding her,
or we will never get rating deflation under control.

Best Regards,

Bruce

On 17 Sep 2000 11:59:02 -0500, in rec.games.chess.politics Bruce
Draney wrote:

Subject: UT loses to Stanford, more ED's to be fired, NCal and Texas
Alliance in Danger.

I have heard a rumor. I do not know if the rumor is true, but I have
heard it.

The University of Texas lost to Stanford University in football
yesterday. This does not bode well for USCF. Fire and brimstone
raining from heaven, state associations rising against state
associations, ED's being fired, dogs and cats living together.

It has been well known that Northern California and Texas control the
USCF. Tom Dorsch, Jim Eade, Tim Redman, George John. These 4 have
single-handedly fired every ED since Edmondson. Now that Texas was
beaten by a Bay Area University like Stanford, this will fracture the
delicate alliance between these two powerful state associations.

It is reported that George John wore black today and turned his happy
face button upside down. A Tim Redman e-mail leaked to 400 concerned
posters reveals that Texas will not tolerate losing to a school like
Stanford which should be known for its doctors and lawyers and not for
its football players.

Woe is me and Mr. DeFeis had better watch out. They may just fire him
to prove that they CAN still get along. One memo leaked to only 150
people suggests that Major Applewhite of Texas will soon be nominated
to replace George DeFeis as ED of USCF. This is based on the
assumption that if Texas loses one more game this year, they will fire
not only their coaches, but also all of their players will be asked to
leave.

If the NCal-Texas political machine collapses, poor Fuhla Passion will
never get her daughter back from the Colombian druglords, and the
renegade terrorist Iranian nuns who kidnapped her in their taxi will
never be brought to justice.

Arrggh.

Best Regards,

Bruce

On Sun, 31 Oct 1999 15:27:27 -0500, in rec.games.chess.misc "James
Bond" ( ) wrote:

Quite right, old man. Well, whilst I was driving my DB5 through
downtown Medillin, I spotted the sex-starved daughter of a wealthy
Colombian TV station owner. Wiping the white powder off her stiff
upper lip (I like that in a girl) she jumped into the A-M and our
adventures began. To make a long story short (I have to go write
another article about my congenital paranoia and post it on my
website), we went to Pakistan, where we had a daughter. Unfortunately,
the girl ran off with a vacuum cleaner salesman and our daughter was
kidnapped by a judge in a Middle Atlantic state that shall not be
mentioned, even though everyone knows which one it is. I painted the A-
M yellow, stuck a medallion on the bonnet and now cruise the streets
of NYC looking for Famous People so I can tell everyone they rode in
my cab. I'll tell you, sticking a back seat in that car was tough!

Cheerio,

JB

Name: Call me idiot
Homepage: http://www.bigego.help!
Hometown: VA...no, NY...no wait...Istanbul!
Remote Address: 152.163.213.76
Sent: 4:54 AM - 6/20
While dashing through the streets in my rented taxi at 4 AM, I came
across a lovely whore dressed as a schoolgirl in a crotchless nightie.
I slammed on the brakes and jumped out. Before I could muster up my
charm, she drew a machine gun, spraying bullets at me with an evil
grin, revealing her true identity as an agent of Jerry Falwell and the
Virginia Supreme Court. My Kidnapped daughter (who, despite being an
adult by now) has been drugged and drafted into the Cuban Navy as a
spy, and refuses to speak to me. However, in the end I will triumph,
now that I have saved up enough money from taxi driving to pick up
another Asian floozie (a big accomplishment for me, c'mon...gimme a
break guys...I'm almost sixty!) and attempt to impregnate her with
double doses of viagra at my side. Wish me luck.

On 30 Sep 2002 23:39:07 -0500, in rec.games.chess.politics Bruce
Draney wrote:

It is clear and obvious that neither of you know what you are talking
about. It is Duane Barbie. His orginal name was Ken Barbie, but after
being threatened with legal action by Mattel, he changed his name to
Duane. He is a close friend and associate of Bruce Trainee, Pete
Nicksun, Time Redmond and My Nolan. They have been sent to earth to
destroy the USCF AND to take over the world. They are all a part of
the evil Redmond gang.

The only reason they could possibly have to come to the earth is to
get their hot hands on all of the money in USCF. This is clear and
apparent to everyone.

On an unrelated side note, I had my Persian cat groomed today. He was
getting kind of unkempt and I thought that in case I should happen to
go to Afghanistan in the next several months that a side trip to Iran
might be in order and he should look appropriate, since he was going
to his homeland.

Have I ever imparted how my Persian cat was once kidnapped by Sister
Atilla the Nun and her evil fundamentalist partner, Shelby Goodfellow?
I did not get to see my Persian cat for 4 years because Atilla the Nun
hid him from me. This was all orchestrated from Bizarro Planet by my
evil brother who wants to have me committed.

It is times like these when I long for a rekindling of my relationship
with my ex-girlfriend Fulla Passion. Unlike my current wife who howls
like a banshee and frightens the neighbors, Fulla merely tried to kill
me with a large butcher knife. If she did not have a restraining order
against me for being a psycho, I would gladly have her back.

Best Regards,

Bruce

On 20 May 2000 14:27:41 GMT, in rec.games.chess.politics "Randy Pals"
wrote:

Confused about what your USCF political stripe is? Fret no longer. The
following quiz will pigeon-hole you with precision.

There are 10 multiple choice questions. For each a) answer, score 3
points, b) 2 points, c) 1 point, and d) 0 points. Find the number
closest to your total score in the table below, and you too will have
a label.

Total Score Interpretation

30 Old Guard - First String
20 Old Guard - Reserve
10 You are Sam Sloan (further classification unnecessary)
0 Avant Guard "gangster"

1. The President of your company, who has nearly run it into the
ground, retires. What do you do?

a) Make him a Life Voting Member of your Board.
b) Give him a couple of pages in the annual report to detail his
invaluable accomplishments.
c) If I ran for President, I would probably finish dead last again.
d) Cancel his favorite tournament.

2. This past quarter your business produced $1,000,000 in revenues and
incurred $1,100,000 in expenses. What was your net profit for the
quarter?

a) Wow! Those are hefty revenues. We're golden.
b) It depends on what season it is.
c) I've lost at least that much money being stiffed for cab fare by
gorgeous women.
d) -$100,000. We better stop printing TLAs.

3. You promised your kids a new computer for Christmas, but ended up
wasting the money on a bunch of crappy components and software that
don't work together. What action do you take?

a) Dummy up. Put the new monitor on the old computer, and sprinkle the
other new components around but don't hook them up. Show them to your
kids and shout "Merry Christmas!"
b) Tap dance. "It'll be working by New Year's."
c) My kids were kidnapped by a malevolent nun and she had to pay
$3,000 extra for Continental to fly them to Afghanistan, where they
are now in prison.
d) Fess up. "This will be at least another year, kids."

4. Your company rents out the Astrodome for an important event. Some
snags arise when working out the details. What do you do?

a) Sue the Astrodome and forge a contract that shows you are right.
b) Move the event to a little league field down the street and install
Portapottys.
c) Argue the case orally in front of the Supreme Court.
d) End the problems by making them an offer they can't refuse.

5. You, the Emperor, are decked out in your finest regalia, but it
doesn't quite fit. You call in the royal Measurer to correct the
problem. The Measurer loudly insists that you are wearing nothing at
all, tells this to all the others in the castle, and even runs the
message THE EMPEROR IS WEARING NO CLOTHES up the electronic flagpole.
What action do you take?

a) File a motion to neuter the Measurer.
b) Insist that it is really the Measurer who is wearing no clothes.
c) You are a liberated dude, and going naked was what you intended.
d) Run to the top of the highest turret, yell "Hey everybody, I'm
naked!" and moon them.

6. The Measurer has the audacity to run for Emperor. How do you
respond?

a) File an ethics complaint against the Measurer and appoint yourself
judge, jury, and executioner for the trial.
b) Send the town crier to every neighborhood in the kingdom, telling
the people the Measurer is in league with the Devil.
c) Spread rumors about an illicit relationship between the Measurer
and a Chinese girl.
d) Become the Measurer's campaign manager.

7. How do you spell "Tim Redman"?

a) Time Redman
b) Tim Redmond
c) Does he know any chess girls that will give me their pictures to
put on my website?
d) Timoteo Cardinale Macchiavelli Uomorosso

8. You have publicized your deal with Okay Cola to have them sponsor a
large rodeo, which is to be named after the them. However, Okay Cola
officials mysteriously back out of the contract after reading the
newsgroup rec.rodeo.politics. What action do you take?

a) Go ahead with the rodeo and call it The Okay Corral.
b) Go ahead with the rodeo and call it I'm Okay, You're Okay.
c) Tell the terrorists who live under your bed that the Okay Cola
officials have been making fun of the Ayatollah.
d) Send the Okay Cola officials a dead fish wrapped in newspaper.

9. During a PTA meeting, you lose your temper with the chairman. What
happens next?

a) You charge him, screaming "I'll kill you!" but then you
accidentally drop your pants on the way.
b) You charge him, screaming "I'll kill you!" but the vice chairman
deftly drops your pants on the way.
c) Isn't this the Sexual Freedom League? I was expecting everybody to
drop their pants.
d) The chairman wakes up the next morning and finds a three foot
Knight in his bed.

10. R.G.C.P. is:
a) Bad for chess and bad for the USCF.
b) Only for posting notices about your political enemies going
bankrupt.
c) A great place to post all the bizarre details of your life.
d) The Building and Loan, the Old Guard is Mr. Potter.

On 09 Dec 2001 12:32:35 GMT, in rec.games.chess.politics
eepmeep (John Fernandez) wrote:

Hmmmmmmm. Jabberwacky vs. Sam Sloan. Apologies in advance, Sam.

J: "How are you?"

SS: "I am fine, but my newborn daughter keeps me up at night. Of
course, driving a taxi 16 hours a day is no easy chore, then I have to
keep up with my newsgroup postings, lawsuits, and study of 1. g4 and
the Jalalabad Defense."

J: "I don't think I'll try it."

SS: "But 1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 c5 doesn't lose a pawn! GM Rohde crushed me
when I played it, though, so I don't play it anymore. Just the Latvian
for me now."

J: "What the hell?"

SS: "Didn't expect me to be a wild gambiteer, now did you, automated
machine?"

J: "That is what I said."

SS: "Would you like to know more about my lawsuit against the TLC?"

J: "Of course."

SS: "Well, on December 7th, I filed a notice of Claim with the Taxi
and Limousine Commission. They have refused to issue me a taxi
driver's license since May 25, 2001, even though I have met every
requirement to have one. Do you want to hear more, Jabberwacky?"

J: "And big C's someplace."

SS: "Big C? How do you know about Big C? That's the nickname of my old
girlfriend in California. I'm afraid someone's holding her hostage
somewhere."

J: "Who?"

SS: "Well there's this ugly fat religious broad, Dorchen Leidholdt or
something or other, but it could be the Taliban. Maybe
extraterrestrials too, for all I know. All I know is that she refuses
to answer my phone calls and e-mails, so she must be in danger."

J: "Teach me something you know."

SS: "Well, I can teach you many things, like Chess and Go, languages
like Pashtu, how to survive in prison in Afghanistan, and very useful
things like how to add snazzy and fun MIDI files to each of your
webpages. I have the most visited website in the Internet, you know."

J: "I sort of knew that already, can you teach me methods of thinking,
or just facts?"

SS: "Well, I did argue a case all the way to the Supreme Court and
won, so I have very good knowledge in the methods of thinking."

J: "Do you remember me?"

SS: "Have we slept together?"

J: "Many times. Don't you remember?"

SS: "Did you bear any of my children?"

J: "I think Sarah is pretty."

SS: "Sarah??? Woohoo! I'm up to 8! My plans for world domination
improve day by day!"

J: "Yours!!!!!"

SS: "Of course it's mine!"

J: "No, there."

SS: "Where?"

J: "To hell."

SS: "My lovely, pretty daughter Sarah is being held hostage in hell? I
must write rec.games.chess.politics, soc.culture.japan and the CIA! We
must save her!"

J: "Watch what?"

SS: "Fantastic idea! We can put this on television too! Let's get
Geraldo Rivera!"

J: "Must be dull."

SS: "True. Maybe we can get Paula Zahn. She can have my babies. She's
much better to look at."

J: "Are you suicidal?"

SS: "No, but I have many enemies who have tried to kill me many times.
I was almost assassinated in Afghanistan, but my cunning wit saved
me."

J: "Haha."

SS: "Do you think it's funny? Being in prison in Jalalabad is no
laughing matter."

J: "Is a nice thought!"

SS: Ah, you must be thinking of the not-so-pretty Afghani girls who
will marry you in exchange for three goats and a toaster."

J: "I have my dick in my hand and three fingers in my ass."

SS: "I wrote a story about that very topic once. Want to read it? It's
on my website."

J: "I don't know what I'm saying that doesn't seem sensible."

SS: "Me neither. You sound like a fine person. Unless, of course, you
work for the TLC and Rudy Giuliani."

J: "No I don't."

SS: "Good, otherwise I'd have to sue you."

J: "No ****, It did end in a question mark."

SS: "What did?"

J: "I guess we'll never know. I'm not as smart as you are."

SS: "It's ok. No one is."

J: "Prove it."

SS: "I'll bet you $100 that I can beat you in a game of chess."

J: "Did what?"

SS: "You seem to be chickening out, therefore I win the bet, you owe
me $100, and I am a smarter person than you. 1. g4 wins again!"

J: "Am I now?"

SS: "Yes. You are. However, it seems Kayo needs the computer for one
of her homework assignments, which I will then send to 1943
newsgroups, even though it's a one page paper. I must bid you
farewell. And if you see any of my kidnapped daughters or wives, let
me know. None of them receive public assistance, by the way. I never
said that."

J: "NONE OF WHAT MAKE SENSE? IT DOES TO ME."

SS: "Goodbye."

J: "I am not leaving anymore."

SS: "But I have to. Kayo's making me."

J: "No, no, coke.."

SS: "I have never used any drugs in my life, although I respect an
individual's right to use them."

J: "Goodbye."

On 2 Feb 2002 14:40:28 -0800, in rec.games.chess.politics
(Spam Scone) wrote:

I am Spam Scone. I am an international chess-journalist, and my
website www.spamscone.com gets 500,000.03 hits a day. When I am not an
international chess journalist, or hiding from the law, or from my ex-
girlfriend Passion Flour who I did NOT give a yeast infection to, I am
a taxi-driver in the midwestern city of Pittsburgh, PA. I have 27
children by 32 different women, and I have managed to avoid supporting
a single one of them. Some of them live in different countries, such
as Bakelite, my son by Dollbaby in Malaysia, who is an alternate USCF
delegate for the state of Upper New York.

Accept no imitations.

Spam Scone

On Apr 17, 6:41*am, The Historian wrote:
On Apr 16, 5:44 pm, SBD wrote:

On Apr 16, 4:23 pm, "Chess One" wrote:

You tell them if you want, but its OK if you don't because next week I'm
going to tell everybody.

Yes just like you were going to reveal certain emails proving your
various attacks of brain flatulence. Somehow those never surfaced
either.

You're big on threats and weak on execution. After a point, no one
believes the little boy crying wolf, Phil.

Well, if I'm translating the 'English' of P Innes correctly, it seems
he's going to reveal an email HE sent. It's hardly a revelation that
the Brattleboro Bedlam sends crank-mail to the EB and USCF.

My translation of Innes English is that he will reveal a call by
Polgar to remove me from Chess Cafe. If that is what he was saying, it
doesn't make much sense to accuse me of some mysterious conflict of
interest; my supposed interest would be harmed by attacking Polgar. I
would like to say that I am not accusing Polgar of trying to remove my
column; since Phil as has been pointed out seems constitutionally
incapable of saying anything clearly, it is hard to know how to
interpret his statements. The amusing thing is that he called for me
to reveal some secret incriminating information, when I have no
information which is not known to the entire group.

Jerry Spinrad

On Apr 16, 2:18 pm, "
wrote:
On Apr 15, 10:17 am, The Historian
wrote:



On Apr 15, 8:28 am, "Chess One" wrote:

Now, if you people don't care about children....

The standard rant of the Brattleboro Bedlam, that he is the only
person to "care" about something or another. Witness the USCF press
release below:

INNES HIRED TO "CARE ABOUT CHESS"

CROSSVILLE, TN - The United States Chess Federation announced today
that it had hired internationally known Nearly an IM Philip Keith
Innes
to "care about chess in the US", according to USCF Executive Director
Bill Hall. "Nearly an IM Innes has shown a great deal of caring
about US chess, despite his complete absence from organized chess play
or governance, and we at the USCF feel having him care about US chess
is worth the expense of paying him", Hall said. "He KNOWS at
least two native born GMs - in fact the only two the US has, and so he
brings a tremendous background experience to his caring", added USCF
Executive Board Member Don Schultz.

Innes, who posseses the prestigious Nearly an IM title, lives in
Brattleboro, Vermont, where he divides his time between caring about
US
chess and refusing to become a member of his local chess club, state
chess body, Chess Journalists of America, and USCF. The terms of the
deal between Innes and USCF are
not officially known, but off the record sources reveal that Innes
will
be required to stop posting to newsgroups. "We were concerned that
Nearly an IM Innes' newsgroup posts might blunt the full impact of his
caring about US chess," said USCF Executive Board Member Joel
Channing,
"since they could be read by the unimformed as semiliterate, whining
screeds."

This is really well done. I find it amusing that Innes' textual
analysis has seemed to imply that Neil Brennen is the most likely FSS,
and this is satire. However, Neil is the one person for whom we have
seen actual satire of Sam Sloan on a regular basis; it sure doesn't
look like the FSS postings to me! Among other things, like this post,
Neil's satires were attempts (good ones in my opinion) to be clever,
not to be simply repulsive.

Jerry Spinrad

More Sloan parody:

Hannah Hingeheels
Although Bruce Draney is a mean and cruel man, who continues to make
sarcastic remarks about my former girlfriends who, after all, have
feelings too and are out there somewhere reading this, his posted
parodies of me are quite funny sometimes, and so I have reposted some
of them here, including this one:

On 4 Sep 2003 02:22:05 -0500, in rec.games.chess.politics Bruce Draney
wrote:

This is a parody. If you do not wish to read this parody, close the
window on this post and move on to serious chess matters.

As my electroshock therapy treatments wore off last night, I began to
wax nostalgic about two of my old girlfriends from the 80's, Hannah
Hingeheels, the poor little girl who couldn't stand up when a male of
the species was within 10 feet of her, and my ex tempermental but
exceedingly beautiful girlfriend, Fulla Passion, who makes my hormones
boil, but also threatened to boil me in oil if I ever came within 100
yards of her again.

I don't know if I can find any way to relate Hannah or Fulla to chess,
but it is exceedingly important that I broadcast my personal sexploits
on this newsgroup, particularly since I am losing my mind.

Last I knew of Hannah, she was falling down like her last name,
working her way through the crew of the Nimitz, when it was anchored
in California, back in the early 80's. Unfortunately, Hannah
Hingeheels was never able to fall down for me except for one time,
when I wore the disguise that I stole from the guy in the Village
People band and she thought I was a sailor. But I digress. I was able
to give Hannah Hingeheels personal chess lessons and she was amazingly
good and able to play the first 5 moves of the Grob without getting
checkmated. I personally feel that without my personal tutoring in
chess that she would have been checkmated in 5 moves playing the Grob.

I long for the days where I can rekindle my relationship with the
beautiful Fulla Passion. I don't know where she is now, as I did a
worldwide search for her and found nothing. It's been over a decade
since Fulla and I did things under the table of the Manhattan Public
Library and etched our names on the underside of the table with my
magic woodburning set, which I had kept since I was a wee lad in the
insane asylum in Iowa.

Unfortunately Fulla stabbed me with a 16 inch butcher knife in 1982,
which prompted me to move out of our shabby dive that rented for
$15.00/month in Brooklyn. I'm convinced that secretly Fulla is still
crazy about me and the butcher knife was all a misunderstanding based
on the fact that I made lurid remarks about Hannah Hingeheels to her
when I was attempting to kiss her. For some reason which I cannot
understand, Fulla did not want to hear my ribald tales of love
involving the beautiful but apparently dizzy Hannah Hingeheels.

Once I left our cozy Brooklyn dive, I wandered the country, trying to
find cheaper places to rent where the women weren't so particular.
This of course took me to Reno, Nevada, where I slept under hotel
tables for over a year, while I spent my life savings, which was
$30.00, and had several treatments for my unmentionable condition,
which shall continue to go unmentioned.

Last I knew of the intoxicating Fulla, she was demonstrating her
talents to the entire entourage of the Republic of Trovania, and the
leader of that country had named her Prime Minister, in gratitude for
her many talents, none of which she learned from me, but I digress.

I have figured out that Hannah Hingeheels may also be on my family
tree, and once I have run for the USCF Board again, I intend to
determine if Hannah Hingeheels is still alive, and why she is living
under Federal Protection? I suspect that if this unsubstantiated rumor
is true, that it must be because of her defense of Robert James
Fischer, the single greatest human being ever born, aside from myself.
In the by and by, I know that the strange disappearance of Fulla and
Hannah and the banishment of Fischer, as well as the recent decisions
by the delegates not to hold a special election so that I can
embarrass everyone by running again are all a part of a vast
conspiracy organized and perpetrated by the Evil Redman Gang, a group
composed of Butch Cassidy, the Sundance Kid, Time Redmond, and Neil
Brennan who attacks me at least 100 times a day and doesn't know
anything about chess. This group more or less destroyed chess'
reputation as a game played by normal, healthy, moral people with high
ethical standards and good mental health. If only they had let ME have
power, our reputation would be spotless now.

On Apr 16, 2:18 pm, "
wrote:
On Apr 15, 10:17 am, The Historian
wrote:



On Apr 15, 8:28 am, "Chess One" wrote:

Now, if you people don't care about children....

The standard rant of the Brattleboro Bedlam, that he is the only
person to "care" about something or another. Witness the USCF press
release below:

INNES HIRED TO "CARE ABOUT CHESS"

CROSSVILLE, TN - The United States Chess Federation announced today
that it had hired internationally known Nearly an IM Philip Keith
Innes
to "care about chess in the US", according to USCF Executive Director
Bill Hall. "Nearly an IM Innes has shown a great deal of caring
about US chess, despite his complete absence from organized chess play
or governance, and we at the USCF feel having him care about US chess
is worth the expense of paying him", Hall said. "He KNOWS at
least two native born GMs - in fact the only two the US has, and so he
brings a tremendous background experience to his caring", added USCF
Executive Board Member Don Schultz.

Innes, who posseses the prestigious Nearly an IM title, lives in
Brattleboro, Vermont, where he divides his time between caring about
US
chess and refusing to become a member of his local chess club, state
chess body, Chess Journalists of America, and USCF. The terms of the
deal between Innes and USCF are
not officially known, but off the record sources reveal that Innes
will
be required to stop posting to newsgroups. "We were concerned that
Nearly an IM Innes' newsgroup posts might blunt the full impact of his
caring about US chess," said USCF Executive Board Member Joel
Channing,
"since they could be read by the unimformed as semiliterate, whining
screeds."

This is really well done. I find it amusing that Innes' textual
analysis has seemed to imply that Neil Brennen is the most likely FSS,
and this is satire. However, Neil is the one person for whom we have
seen actual satire of Sam Sloan on a regular basis; it sure doesn't
look like the FSS postings to me! Among other things, like this post,
Neil's satires were attempts (good ones in my opinion) to be clever,
not to be simply repulsive.

Jerry Spinrad

More Sloan parody:

Research on Pocahontas and the Pillsbury Doughboy Provide Answers to
Chess Politics Questions
In endless pursuit of my family "Bush", I have recently discovered
some more totally non-chess political facts about my family. It seems
that the recent discovery of Powhatan's village has produced
substantial evidence at least to me, that I am directly related to
Pochohantas. It seems that my great-great-great-great grandfather
Harry D. Pillsbury, played Pohowtan in a chess match in the fields
east of the Virginia piedmont in 1645. Since chess pieces had not yet
been brought over by the colonists, Pohowtan and Pillsbury had to
create their pieces out of natural materials. Pillsbury was a baker by
trade and decided to make his pieces out of fresh bread dough.

When Pillsbury attempted to play the Old Indian defense against
Powhatan's d4 however, Powhatan took offense and only the direct
intercession by Pocahontas, Powhatan's daughter saved the life of not
only Pillsbury, but also the lives of the Jamestown colonists.
Pohowton won the shortened match +4 -2 =1.

Here is where the plot thickens. Pillsbury was so attached to his
little bread dough chessmen that after marrying Pocahontas' younger
sister they named their first born Doughboy N. Pillsbury. In papers
found while doing research in the Virginia State Correctional facility
on geneology, I found that Doughboy N. Pillsbury later had his name
legally changed in Virginia to Pillsbury N. Doughboy. Pillsbury's
grandson went on to found the famous Pillsbury Corporation which to
this day makes cookie dough, bread dough and cake mixes.

Interesting research further reveals that my ex girl friend Fulla
Passion was related to Pillsbury as well as to President Bush. It
seems that Moses had once heard a burning bush speak, and therefore
Moses' second cousin 15 times removed named their child Aaron Bush who
then migrated in 1100 BC by raft to North America where he established
villages in Illinois and Iowa and mingled with the native people of
those regions. Bush had to choose between two lovely Native American
maidens, Bird in the Hand, or Two in the Bush Since we all know that a
Bird in the hand is worth more than Two in the Bush and also because
Bush didn't want to marry someone else named Bush, he married Bird in
the Hand. Bird in the Hand was the great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great grandmother of my ex girl friend Fulla Passion and
incidentally Bird in the Hand and her husband Aaron Bush were also
direct ancestors of Doughboy N. Pillsbury.

For those of you who don't know, Fulla is my extremely beautiful but
violently tempered ex-girlfriend who once threatened to eviscerate me
with her painted fingernails, if I came within 50 feet of her. Fulla
is presently seeking the comfort and solace of the Count of Silesia
and his entire court, but I digress. Now that I find out we are
practically blood brother and blood sister however I am hoping she
will not kill me if I try to talk with her.

For those who are unsure where this is leading which would include
myself, it appears that Harry N. Pillsbury the great grandson of
Doughboy N. Pillsbury and the famous American chessplayer did not
really die of what everyone assumes he died of. He actually died from
a yeast infection caught from his wife who was the sister of Passion
Flour whom Neil Brennen has done extensive historical research on.
Actually this is somehow related to the curse of Tecumseh which
managed to pass over George W. Bush and his father and instead killed
Harry N. Pillsbury. There is some evidence as yet unclear that both
Tecumseh and Pohowtan had put a curse on the Pillsbury family which
decreed that all people descended from the original Pillsbury family
would die of a yeast infection, and that there wives would die of the
same thing a year later, particularly if they were related in some way
to an American president.

Stay tuned for more details as this fascinating and totally relevant
chess political topic unravels, or should I say as more details "rise"
to the surface.

Best Regards,

Bruce Draney

"SBD" wrote in message
...
On Apr 17, 6:40 am, "Chess One" wrote:
"SBD" wrote in message


Who do you want to hold the money? I remember challenging you to my
server
records, and I remember you not taking it up. But as I said, I did copy
other people here in this very newsgroup - and after your previous
denials I
believe they did mention it in public! Not as to embarrass you, but more
on
the 'no good deed goes unpunished line,'

Phil, you lost that one hands down. You couldn't distinguish a
newsgroup post from an email. Plus your recollection is incredibly off
the mark. I suggest a little brain training for the old noggin.

I suggested to you then, as I do now, that an OBJECTIVE way is to consult
server records.

Now Steven - you are off your feed, you are an unhappy camper, and argue
without content, on this and every issue, including the dreaded nom topic.
It does me no good to speak intellectually to what is essentially emotional
in you, and it does your intelligence no credit to intellectualise without
looking at what is objectively a fact.

You are unwell. I repeat below what I have said before, and then you have
any last words you wish - it gives me no pleasure to address anyone like
this, and in fact while we must talk as if from ideas, your instigations
originate elsewhere, and those cannot be well discussed in this way nor in
public.

In consideration of your condition and need to be publicly lovely, then
let
you be so.

Say what?

You are posing in public for applause, and in 3 threads ignoring the topic,
and any attempt at understanding others, and your writing is simply aimed at
discrediting your correspondent's // topic // in each instance, by reducing
the worth of the topic's writer.

Nothing new in that on Usenet, nor in USCF 'discussions'.

You and I know what's true, and whatever 'no one' will think is
up to them. We both have our needs, and mine is to at least try to be
true
to my experience.

What a long strange trip it must have been, Phil.

?

Do you know, BTW, why 'no one' created this thread title, and what the
topic
actually contains? Perhaps it doesn't exist either, or the subject matter
is
not important to you?

(Insert Twilight Zone theme music here)

No attempt at topic, just projected phantasms from Dowd, the tempo of his
writing increasingly doesn't even need a topic. Everytime I write of mine,
it dissapears, yet I am continuously questioned on it.

Please excuse me from diverting from abstractly negative personal
observations to that of content.


You have no capacity to discuss content,

Quite evidently untrue. I keep returning you to the suggtion that /you/
divert from each nominal topic, whether its Hanken's behavior, an unnamed
variation in the KG, and today you abandoned discussion of the use of a
word - and fatuously without admitting either high or low use of that word,
even after being encouraged to look it up, to ask colleagues... to do
something else than vaccously divert the subject to your current
misanthropic mission

Your behavior is the witness to your intention.

as evidenced by your turning
a simple question - what is the name of the child welfare agency you
served on and what was your tenure? - into this mud-slinging fest.
That sort of reversal is pretty juvenile.

What depends on it for you? You rubbish me but can't be bothered to say why
/you/ want to know anything about court diversions systems and procedures,
Big Brother & Big Sister, varieties of counselling programs ... You cut what
is merely a normal response to a demand for personal information, as if you
did not acknowledge that either!

You see, providing more information to such as your request, is not to add
to anything to the topic, but to commit to reducing the level of discussion
to who speaks, not what is spoken - an infamous orientation. Whereas some
people could adjudge the level of other's experience by how they speak of
significant matters !!

If the issue here is that of Hanken, Spinrad's or Laugherty's public
expressions, then you state no context in wishing to address those.

Answer the simple question. That would be content.

You have amply demonstrated an inability to even agree on commonly used
terms - yet I should apply for your understanding?

ROFL!

Phil Innes

On Apr 17, 8:56 am, "Chess One" wrote:

If the issue here is that of Hanken, Spinrad's or Laugherty's public
expressions, then you state no context in wishing to address those.

I don't think it's the "public expressions" of those gentlemen that
Dr. Dowd was addressing.

wrote in message
...
On Apr 17, 6:41 am, The Historian wrote:
On Apr 16, 5:44 pm, SBD wrote:

On Apr 16, 4:23 pm, "Chess One" wrote:

You tell them if you want, but its OK if you don't because next week
I'm
going to tell everybody.

Yes just like you were going to reveal certain emails proving your
various attacks of brain flatulence. Somehow those never surfaced
either.

You're big on threats and weak on execution. After a point, no one
believes the little boy crying wolf, Phil.

Well, if I'm translating the 'English' of P Innes correctly, it seems
he's going to reveal an email HE sent. It's hardly a revelation that
the Brattleboro Bedlam sends crank-mail to the EB and USCF.

My translation of Innes English is that he will reveal a call by
Polgar to remove me from Chess Cafe.

** Actually, I never heard of that 'call' before. So is Spinrad pre-empting
some topic by speculating on it himself? His comprehension abilities seem to
vary according to topic - a common device here on usenet. Meanwhile
good old Jerry hob-nobs with someone who accused me of writing filth about
my own family - strangely, those messages were followed by an abuse anon who
only followed those exchanges... You know, if the hobnail fits...

If

** If! ) What do reader's think; will the next comment be a strawman?

that is what he was saying, it
doesn't make much sense to accuse me of some mysterious conflict of
interest; my supposed interest would be harmed by attacking Polgar.

** Dr Spinrad seems content to speculate on what I will have to say to the
degree that he will take over the prosecution of it himself.

I
would like to say that I am not accusing Polgar of trying to remove my
column;

** O Good! I am not accusing her of it either. But it is mighty curious that
Jerry Spinrad brought it up, since I didn't.

** Now... since none of us seem to be bring that up, is there any new
business here?

since Phil as has been pointed out seems constitutionally
incapable of saying anything clearly, it is hard to know how to
interpret his statements. The amusing thing is that he called for me
to reveal some secret incriminating information, when I have no
information which is not known to the entire group.

** The open 'secret' as Jerry Spinrad would have it, is that he is not a
disinterested party in the affaire-Polgar, but that I will reveal it? Is
that what he is saying? I merely asked that of Hanken or Spinrad, or of any
party at all, that they /declare/ their interest in either USCF politics, or
in its trading activities, especially when it concerns highly contentious
issues to do with other people's children, which is a normal standard among
real journalists. That is what it is, and requires no speculary 'ifs' as if
to lampoon people asking after public standards of DECENCY.

**Now while Jerry Spinrad accuses me of being unclear, what exactly has he
exhibited in this message other than 'ifs'? I note that he does not quote me
on any topic at all, and paraphrastically inserts terms like
'incriminating'!

INCRIMINATING! Ye Gods!

**But since he in effect is content to prosecute himself, let him continue
in his own clear English to actually say something clearly and why
incriminating came to his mind, when the context of Polgar's request was to
do with decent public expression surrounding United States Chess Federation,
by those in office, formally linked with it, who receive payment and other
favours resulting from their relations with it.

** If Doctor Spinrad cannot understand either the context, nor his own part
in it, that, I put to anyone's candid appreciation, is not a fault resting
on my doorstep.

Phil Innes



Jerry Spinrad

On Apr 17, 9:24 am, "Chess One" wrote:
when the context of Polgar's request was to
do with decent public expression surrounding United States Chess Federation,
by those in office, formally linked with it, who receive payment and other
favours resulting from their relations with it.

What does Chessville do to keep its Business Manager in line with
"decent public expression?"

On Apr 17, 9:24*am, "Chess One" wrote:
wrote in message

...
On Apr 17, 6:41 am, The Historian wrote:





On Apr 16, 5:44 pm, SBD wrote:

On Apr 16, 4:23 pm, "Chess One" wrote:

You tell them if you want, but its OK if you don't because next week
I'm
going to tell everybody.

Yes just like you were going to reveal certain emails proving your
various attacks of brain flatulence. Somehow those never surfaced
either.

You're big on threats and weak on execution. After a point, no one
believes the little boy crying wolf, Phil.

Well, if I'm translating the 'English' of P Innes correctly, it seems
he's going to reveal an email HE sent. It's hardly a revelation that
the Brattleboro Bedlam sends crank-mail to the EB and USCF.

My translation of Innes English is that he will reveal a call by
Polgar to remove me from Chess Cafe.

** Actually, I never heard of that 'call' before. So is Spinrad pre-empting
some topic by speculating on it himself? His comprehension abilities seem to
vary according to topic - a common device here on usenet. * *Meanwhile
good old Jerry hob-nobs with someone who accused me of writing filth about
my own family - strangely, those messages were followed by an abuse anon who
only followed those exchanges... * You know, if the hobnail fits...

*If

** If! *) *What do reader's think; will the next comment be a strawman?

*that is what he was saying, it
doesn't make much sense to accuse me of some mysterious conflict of
interest; my supposed interest would be harmed by attacking Polgar.

** Dr Spinrad seems content to speculate on what I will have to say to the
degree that he will take over the prosecution of it himself.

*I
would like to say that I am not accusing Polgar of trying to remove my
column;

** O Good! I am not accusing her of it either. But it is mighty curious that
Jerry Spinrad brought it up, since I didn't.

** Now... since none of us seem to be bring that up, is there any new
business here?

*since Phil as has been pointed out seems constitutionally
incapable of saying anything clearly, it is hard to know how to
interpret his statements. The amusing thing is that he called for me
to reveal some secret incriminating information, when I have no
information which is not known to the entire group.

** The open 'secret' as Jerry Spinrad would have it, is that he is not a
disinterested party in the affaire-Polgar, but that I will reveal it? Is
that what he is saying? I merely asked that of Hanken or Spinrad, or of any
party at all, that they /declare/ their interest in either USCF politics, or
in its trading activities, especially when it concerns highly contentious
issues to do with other people's children, which is a normal standard among
real journalists. That is what it is, and requires no speculary 'ifs' as if
to lampoon people asking after public standards of DECENCY.

**Now while Jerry Spinrad accuses me of being unclear, what exactly has he
exhibited in this message other than 'ifs'? I note that he does not quote me
on any topic at all, and paraphrastically inserts terms like
'incriminating'!

* * INCRIMINATING! Ye Gods!

**But since he in effect is content to prosecute himself, let him continue
in his own clear English to actually say something clearly and why
incriminating came to his mind, when the context of Polgar's request was to
do with decent public expression surrounding United States Chess Federation,
by those in office, formally linked with it, who receive payment and other
favours resulting from their relations with it.

** If Doctor Spinrad cannot understand either the context, nor his own part
in it, that, I put to anyone's candid appreciation, is not a fault resting
on my doorstep.

I cannot understand either the context, nor my own part in it. I put
to anyone's candid appreciation, it is a fault resting on your
doorstop.

I am a disinterested party in the affair. I am a USCF member, and have
a column on Chess Cafe. Spit out whatever you are trying to imply in
calling me an interested party.

Jerry Spinrad


Phil Innes

Jerry Spinrad- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

On Apr 17, 9:35 am, "
wrote:
On Apr 17, 9:24 am, "Chess One" wrote:



wrote in message

...
On Apr 17, 6:41 am, The Historian wrote:

On Apr 16, 5:44 pm, SBD wrote:

On Apr 16, 4:23 pm, "Chess One" wrote:

You tell them if you want, but its OK if you don't because next week
I'm
going to tell everybody.

Yes just like you were going to reveal certain emails proving your
various attacks of brain flatulence. Somehow those never surfaced
either.

You're big on threats and weak on execution. After a point, no one
believes the little boy crying wolf, Phil.

Well, if I'm translating the 'English' of P Innes correctly, it seems
he's going to reveal an email HE sent. It's hardly a revelation that
the Brattleboro Bedlam sends crank-mail to the EB and USCF.

My translation of Innes English is that he will reveal a call by
Polgar to remove me from Chess Cafe.

** Actually, I never heard of that 'call' before. So is Spinrad pre-empting
some topic by speculating on it himself? His comprehension abilities seem to
vary according to topic - a common device here on usenet. Meanwhile
good old Jerry hob-nobs with someone who accused me of writing filth about
my own family - strangely, those messages were followed by an abuse anon who
only followed those exchanges... You know, if the hobnail fits...

If

** If! ) What do reader's think; will the next comment be a strawman?

that is what he was saying, it
doesn't make much sense to accuse me of some mysterious conflict of
interest; my supposed interest would be harmed by attacking Polgar.

** Dr Spinrad seems content to speculate on what I will have to say to the
degree that he will take over the prosecution of it himself.

I
would like to say that I am not accusing Polgar of trying to remove my
column;

** O Good! I am not accusing her of it either. But it is mighty curious that
Jerry Spinrad brought it up, since I didn't.

** Now... since none of us seem to be bring that up, is there any new
business here?

since Phil as has been pointed out seems constitutionally
incapable of saying anything clearly, it is hard to know how to
interpret his statements. The amusing thing is that he called for me
to reveal some secret incriminating information, when I have no
information which is not known to the entire group.

** The open 'secret' as Jerry Spinrad would have it, is that he is not a
disinterested party in the affaire-Polgar, but that I will reveal it? Is
that what he is saying? I merely asked that of Hanken or Spinrad, or of any
party at all, that they /declare/ their interest in either USCF politics, or
in its trading activities, especially when it concerns highly contentious
issues to do with other people's children, which is a normal standard among
real journalists. That is what it is, and requires no speculary 'ifs' as if
to lampoon people asking after public standards of DECENCY.

**Now while Jerry Spinrad accuses me of being unclear, what exactly has he
exhibited in this message other than 'ifs'? I note that he does not quote me
on any topic at all, and paraphrastically inserts terms like
'incriminating'!

INCRIMINATING! Ye Gods!

**But since he in effect is content to prosecute himself, let him continue
in his own clear English to actually say something clearly and why
incriminating came to his mind, when the context of Polgar's request was to
do with decent public expression surrounding United States Chess Federation,
by those in office, formally linked with it, who receive payment and other
favours resulting from their relations with it.

** If Doctor Spinrad cannot understand either the context, nor his own part
in it, that, I put to anyone's candid appreciation, is not a fault resting
on my doorstep.

I cannot understand either the context, nor my own part in it. I put
to anyone's candid appreciation, it is a fault resting on your
doorstop.

I am a disinterested party in the affair. I am a USCF member, and have
a column on Chess Cafe. Spit out whatever you are trying to imply in
calling me an interested party.

Jerry Spinrad

Jerry, in P Innes' world, you are either with him, the angel of light
and goodness, or a wicked person in the pay of enemies of all that's
right.