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Old April 1st 12, 05:05 PM posted to,,,,alt.chess
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Default Ye Olde NJ Chess history: or A TD's tale

Ye Olde NJ Chess history: or A TD's tale.

by Ken "The Wise" Thomas

In bygone days of yore, in the New Shires of Jersey, the Open chess
tie-break winners were glorified as the one and only true Jersey
Champion. Tie-break losers, on the other hand, were vanquished in the
Middle-ages fashion of "A Outrance" as a defeated Knight would be.

They were caned about the head and shoulders, branded with the letter
"L" on their forehead exactly like beasts of the field. Then they were
driven out and deep into the dark southern forests known only as Ye
Olde Piney Barrens. There the wretches did eat toadstools and grub
worms and died in disgrace.

Loss was complete. Belongings were sold in local yard sales,
livestock, family, children and pet dogs went to the Champion. The
youngest child (if fat) was fatten up more, stuffed and cooked for a
grand Thanksgiving dinner. He was known simply as the Thanksgiving
"Fat brat." If the lad were too skinny he was sold away to labor camps
in the vast wilderness west of the raging river and Gap known as
Delaware. Rumored has it that in later days they survived by digging
black stones from deep inside the ground and selling them to
unsuspecting foolish buffoons by claiming the stones would actually
burn and give heat. Ha, what folly?

In the end, it was "Ring the bell" "Shut the book" "Snuff the
candle." This tradition continued many for decades... Until...

Ray of hope. The weary chess world rejoiced. It was bound to happen,
and in the 5th year of the reign of "King Richard Milhous, the tricky,
who was not a crook". It did! Up from Southern realms of Houston ship
channel Came a happy wanderer, a chess Norseman, a handsome Nordic
Lad. Yes, a Viking to you.

Up he sailed in his long Dragon boat named “All those who wander are
not lost”. He was called, “Ken the Wanderer” and he was a chess force
with which to be reckoned. He let be known that he wanted to form a
Chess Club in the North- western Lands where the Sasquatch and black
bears live. Ah... but what should the club be name? You guess!

A valiant lad, he was, wise beyond his years (or wet behind his ears)
one or the other, you choose. He was also a TD to boot.

Oh what joy did the news from Iceland bring! - The newcomer witnessed
the grave Labor Day injustices. He determined that, he would stop this
evil some day. His view was that when two players set atop a chess
heap with identical scores they should not become either a "Champ" or
a "Chump" based solely on some statistically meaningless drivel. Such
as, actions of a past opponent. Such as, what did the opponent do
later. Did he lose later games, or did he choke on a fish bone and
withdraw? Maybe he just got bored and went home for some beer and

Finally in 2001 when the moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter
aligned with Mars, it was time. This fair minded TD, who shall be "Ken
the Fair”, saw an opportunity and ended the evil practice with one
single act. He declared two tied players Co-Champions for the first
time in history.



IM Kapengut won on tie-breaks. Our bold hero took bold steps. Ken,
Ok, "Ken the Bold," if you will, purchased a second trophy with his
own mad money that he had squirreled away from selling very high
quality belly-button lint. He bore it to Boonton it to the young
unsuspecting IM runner-up lived. (He gave it to him, the trophy not
the lint.)

A pity, because not surprisingly, no "thank you" ever came to “Ken
the Sad”. However, that was predictable because the recipient was a
master. As the saying goes, being a master means never having to say,
"thank you."

The concepts of gratitude is unfamiliar to masters. They have too
much Vitamin "I" in their diet. Gratitude is a rather puzzling concept
to masters It is in much the same way that normal people are puzzled
by riddle of why "Titled players who wins all the money, still expect
Free Entries and free hotel rooms. Why is that? Well, I know, "Thank
you" is not covered in master's omnipotence classes they must take.

At first “Ken the Good”, didn't care. He was just happy to bring Co-
Champions to Jersey chess bumpkins. He kept trying to make his idea
work. But Gradually, year by year, the Ungrateful index rose, it
became clear the old system wasn't so bad after all. Perhaps, Ye Olde
Piney Barrens was a good place to send masters. (even the tie-break
winners). Eating their young may also serve society's evolution

“Ken the Slow”, slowly morphed into “Ken the Wise” and learned that
even good ideas may not work. Trying to be fair to masters is not
functionally the same as "casting bread upon the water". Nothings ever
comes back. finis
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