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Old May 14th 04, 06:01 AM
HAASpittle
 
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Default Those Mexican UFO's

By now we've all seen the video of the UFO's spotted by the Mexican air force
last March. Rumor has it the USCF has taken a great interest in them. The EB
evidently thinks they'd make wonderful kiddie trophies and would bring much
needed publicity to chess. The hard part will be coaxing one to land on the
roof at Chess HQ and then to capture it. With limited resources and an already
strained personnel, the EB is asking for suggestions from the membership how to
best go about this project.
One suggestion already on the table is to paint a sign on Chess HQ's roof
offering reduced USCF membership to the crew of any UFO that lands on the roof
and turns off its anti-gravity engine. While the beings are being signed up as
new USCF members, four or five US born grandmasters will sneak onto the roof
and secure the craft. Of course, that raises the issue of what to do with the
earthbound crew. Should they be treated as prisoners or guests? Will they be
photographed in simulated sexual positions or just hunkered down playing chess?
Maybe the aliens could be forced to appear at big national kiddie tounaments as
an attraction.. and even serve as wallchart markers, valets to tote luggage and
park the many SUV's, empty trash cans, and do other "volunteer" work that chess
so badly needs. The USCF could even benefit financially by occasionally renting
them out at huge sums to scientific institutions that might have a passing
interest in the technical knowledge the aliens might possess.

Old Haasie
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Old May 15th 04, 03:04 AM
NoMoreChess
 
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Default Those Mexican UFO's

..
By now we've all seen the video of the UFO's spotted by the Mexican air
force last March. Rumor has it the USCF has taken a great interest in them.

The
EB evidently thinks they'd make wonderful kiddie trophies and would bring much
needed publicity to chess. The hard part will be coaxing one to land on the
roof at Chess HQ and then to capture it. With limited resources and an
already strained personnel, the EB is asking for suggestions from the

membership how
to best go about this project.
One suggestion already on the table is to paint a sign on Chess HQ's roof
offering reduced USCF membership to the crew of any UFO that lands on the
roof and turns off its anti-gravity engine. While the beings are being signed

up
as new USCF members, four or five US born grandmasters will sneak onto the

roof
and secure the craft. Of course, that raises the issue of what to do with the
earthbound crew. Should they be treated as prisoners or guests? Will they be
photographed in simulated sexual positions or just hunkered down playing
chess?
Maybe the aliens could be forced to appear at big national kiddie tounaments
as an attraction.. and even serve as wallchart markers, valets to tote luggage
and park the many SUV's, empty trash cans, and do other "volunteer" work that
chess so badly needs. The USCF could even benefit financially by occasionally
renting them out at huge sums to scientific institutions that might have a

passing
interest in the technical knowledge the aliens might possess.

Old Haasie



Such grandiose plans as these never work out.
Even Bella Lugosi, armed with a working knowledge of Voo-doo and an iron
will, was unable, in the end, to successfully subdue all comers in the movie,
"White Zombie." In the end, he was pushed off a cliff by one of his own
victims -- a man who was half-dead!

And as for our exploiting technologically advanced aliens, this simplistic
approach was refuted in countless "B" movies, and the dangers such advanced
technology can pose to Earthlings was well documented by Commander Cody, in
"Radar Men from the Moon."

To sum up, it would be wiser to leave these more advanced aliens alone, and
focus upon exploiting the Mexican Air Force directly, by say, challenging them
to a rated match in which our imported, Russian-born GMs will squash them like
insects and take all their rating points away. Meanwhile, our American-born
GMs can photograph the carnage, and sell hot dogs and beer at out-of-this-world
prices. After having (quite embarrassingly) stripped them of all their
rating-points, the victims should be released, but their aircraft should be
confiscated and sold. Don't worry, with all our imported talent, we can
"liberate" all of Mexico, and then head south to Brazil, where there are even
larger "proven reserves."

But you can forget about signing up the aliens as USCF victi-- er, members.
No alien in its right mind would pay money to receive "Chess Life" magazine.
An alien would have to be suffering from severe radiation-belt poisoning and
warpdrive-lag, to even consider perusing that boring periodical, IMO.






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Old May 15th 04, 11:56 PM
KJ2350
 
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Default Those Mexican UFO's

Right now the UFOs are being described by some as balls of hot gas that are
able, under certain conditions, to move about randomly while seeming to possess
some intelligence. Hence, the link to the USCF hierarchy is proven.

KJ
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